When all the stars in the sky shine bright....

I'm watching Whip it, and it's the scene where Bliss and her boyfriend broke into that pool and jump in with all of their clothes on. There's only one person in the entire world that I would want to do outrageous things like that with, and I just spent the entire weekend with her.

I haven't seen her in about 5 years. And this weekend was definitely the second best weekend in my whole entire life.

The first best weekend in my whole entire life was the weekend I met her.

Have you ever met someone who makes your heart race just by touching their hand to your face? Someone who makes you feel complete just by wrapping their arms around you? Someone who you could listen talk to for hours, and hours, and HOURS just because you want to know all of their stories? Or because you just love the sound of their voice? Someone who makes you appreciate your entire life so much more just because they're a part of it? Someone who you feel an intense, deep, pure, BEAUTIFUL connection with, that no matter what you say or do, no matter how hard you try to deny it or make it go away... it won't?

That's her.

Our paths keep crossing, yet every time our paths cross, it's never the right time. But every time our paths cross, no matter what happens always feels so right.

Maybe one day all the planets will align and the timing will be perfect and I'll have my happily ever after. Or maybe not. And I'm okay with that too. Because I've gotten the chance to share something incredible with someone amazing, even if it is only every 5 years.

I should be young and stupid and really good at making bad decisions. But I'm not. I'm young, and have my priorities in order, and know what it feels like to save your heart but live your life. I know what it feels like to only need one person, but not have to depend on them for anything. I know the true meaning of "when you love someone, let them go. If they come back, then it's meant to be", or whatever that corny ass saying is. I can honestly say I am SO strong, and she helped me be this way. I can be so sure of one love, but not have to depend on that love because it's so strong that i'm able to let it be what it is right now, which isn't meant to be.

It's easy for me to let you go for now because I know if and when the time is right, it will be if it's meant to be.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

Short

I love make-up. I have been considering going to take the 2 month Mac make-up course to learn more about make-up. I can do mine, but when it comes to other people, I'm NOT very good at it. I don't even like doing it at my job. But, if they need me to, I will. I don't feel very confident doing it though and I think it's because I don't know enough about it. All I know is I like to play in it :)

I spent the day today spending time with a  close friend whom I haven't spent time with in FOREVER. It was so nice to be able to take that time to spend with her. Being on "bed rest" and being forced to take time off of work definitely isn't a bad thing. It drive me a little crazy to be cooped up in the house all day, but it's definitely doing me a lot of good. I'm realizing a lot of awesome things about myself.

We must understand that love leaves for a reason, but never without a lesson.

Just a few things I've been obsessed with lately....

The the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.

It's been a while....

My life moves way too fast. Too many things have happened since my last post!
Harry Potter has ended. I met a guy that I was interested in dating (I know WTF?), I had sugery, and now I'm recovering for the next 6 weeks!

I just had surgery to remove a grape fruit sized tumor from my right ovary on Thursday morning, and got home from the hospital yesterday, Friday, afternoon. And let me just say, over night stays in the hospital SUCK! You get woken up every few hours for someone to check your vitals, or pump you up on more pain meds, etc. etc.

I went to the ER a few weeks ago because I had been having pain in my abdomen, and they found this massive tumor in my ovary. Crazy shit right? It's been there for at least 3 years just growing and growing. It really upsets me because I've been to numerous doctors and have complained of the pain I've had in my abdomen, and every doctor excuses it as ovarian cysts and puts me on birth control. They never did an ultra sound, or a CT. Just brushed it off their back with some birth control. So... the tumor finally got so big that it was pushing around all the rest of my organs and causing me so much pain that I had to go to the ER!

The tumor was benign, and they were able to save my ovary. So all in all, everything went extremely well. It could have been WAY worse so I'm definitely not complaining. I'm very thankful. And I'm recovering alarmingly fast! I have pictures of the tumor and what not, but I dunno if I want to post them on here. Maybe :)

The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you didn't pay attention to.

The incision is just the same as a c-section incision, and has to heal like one. However, I have to heal a little longer (maybe?) because my insides are also healing from being cut open. It's kind of difficult for me to sit down and get up right now, but that pain should subside within the next couple of weeks. However, I had to ask off of work for 6 whole weeks :(

Love is the best medicine, and there is more than enough to go around once you open your heart. -- Julie Marie

I'm so thankful I have a great family and support system of friends. I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. I'm actually waiting on my mom to make her way over here right now. And I'm really on a lot of drugs right now so I think I'm going to cut this post short and I'll blog more later. I can barely keep my eyes open!!!!!!!!

I just love this girl's hair. It makes me happy because this is how my hair will look once it's grown out :)

Forever young

This weekend is 4th of July weekend! Yay!
I don't have any plans, although I'm sure something will come up.

I have been such a closed off person for most of my life. And a lot why I haven't who I am is because I bury so much deep down inside and never let anyone, including myself, dig it up. And some things have been buried so deep, for so long, that I've forgotten they were ever even a part of me in the first place. That is what makes me both desirable, and undesirable. It makes me seem interesting at first, but then just gets annoying after a while. I don't want to hide things. I want to find someone I'm able to share all of me with. I don't play games, so I don't want my insecurities to seem as though I'm doing so. I don't even know how to being the game.

 I want someone to love me for me, and not expect to be able to change me, like people before have assumed they could. I am me, and I will never change for anyone but myself. I want someone who makes me want to be a better version of me. I want someone who doesn't care what hair color I have, or that I carry a few extra pounds on my hips, but that I have a genuine heart and I'm serious about my profession. I want someone who won't see all of my flaws as flaws, but as quirks that make me, me. I want someone who shares common views as me, but is different enough to keep our relationship alive and interesting. I want someone with a crooked tooth and a bunch of scars. Someone REAL. I want kids, and a family. I want a lifetime of happiness with someone who is willing to let me in, and make them happy. I want to provide for someone, and take care of them. I want a wedding, and a commitment. I've just been to scared to admit I want all of these things with one person because I'm so afraid of commiting to someone who's going to let me dream all of this up, and plan our lives together, let me get my hopes up just to let me down.
I'm so glad I'm able to figure myself out and what I want and need and still be so young.

But until my prince(ss) charming comes riding in on their white horse....

I'm content with my little family I already have. My little girl, and my happy non-husband-might-as-well-be-except-we're-both-gay-but-do-everything-a-married-couple-does-except-be-intimate-room-mate.

Have I mentioned how awesome my room mate is? He's incredible. He is the GREATEST thing that came out of my last relationship. He was good friends, and a former room mate of my x-gf. He's another reason why I'm SUCH a firm believer in the phrase

"Everything happens for a reason"

He is literally the greatest room mate EVER! I feel like a slacker next to him most of the time. I've just been in a rut lately, which isn't an excuse... But he cooks, and cleans, sometimes he makes me lunch, he takes care of my dog... he's amazing. I couldn't have been blessed with a better room mate and friend.



My life is back on track and I have everything under control.

I got my hair cut this morning by the top stylist in my salon. It looks incredible. My color is pretty awesome too. It could use a little more... but i'm going to give it a rest and work on it more later. But I'm VERY blonde and I'm very happy. So that's one thing I can check off of my list! And I will have accomplished my 30lbs down by August 1st. 19 down, 11 more to go :)

It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun.



Assh Version 2.0

Officially 18 lbs down, 30 more to go!!!!
And my hair is back to blonde!!!!!!!!
I feel so AWESOME!

I'm getting all of the dead ends cut off later today. I couldn't feel better about myself right now. Well... I know I will after I shed these extra 30 lbs!!!!!!!!

Hard work really pays off :)


Short post for now.... I'll add more later.

If people are trying to bring you down, that only means you are above them.

So, i'm down 14 lbs. I keep rounding up to 20 just because it sounds better... but really it's only 14. Haha. I feel like it's so much more though. It's crazy how your weight starts to shift though.... I carry most of my weight in my hips. I have a "tire" around my waist. It's awful. But my weight has shifted from my hips and tummy into other areas. And I haven't lost much weight in my boobs yet THANK GOD. I love my boobs. I don't want to lose them. They're the perfect size lol. And it'll probably start to happen once I incorportate excersize into this routine. I have yet to step into the gym. But tomorrow, I'm going to yoga with my room mate. I'm super excited. I've done Bikram Yoga before, which is yoga in a sauna. It's pretty awesome. I hope this yoga is as invigorating!

I need a tan to go with this new summer bod. Well... it's not gonna be new until the end of summer, haha. I'm going to work hard at this. I'm so dedicated. Speaking of summer...

One of my favorite parts of summer are those popsicles. I was in the break room at my salon today and opened the freezer, and there was a fancy version of those popsicles in there. I don't know where they came from... but it took a lot of will power not to eat one!!!! I mean... not because of calories or anything. I just didn't know whose they were. Man, all the talk of this food is making me hungry. I just went grocery shopping to get a few things and ended up spending $103 :(

This post is going to be short so I'll fill it with pics and quotes instead because that's what I feel like doing :)

Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience

You are the most interesting person you'll ever meet.

We live the life of an unfinished novel still waiting to be written. depending on how long we live, the longer the chapters. depending on how interesting we are, the more we appeal to others. we’re often judged by our covers. sometimes, some people decide to just quit reading us. we’re just forgotten until someone finds us. our characters can develop throughout the novel, but our chapters can never be edited. This novel I'm living just keeps getting better and better every day. I'm going through such a rough patch, but I can't wait to look back on this in 10 years and really appreciate this for what it is. I am learning so much about myself and others. Thank you God or whatever higher power, if any, that is out there that is guiding me through this. I have never appreciated my life so much.

I'm arrogant, yet humbled. I'm selfish more than I am selfless. I am goofy too often and it's mistaken for immaturity. I am grounded, but ready to fly. I have so many insecurities, but I put up such strong walls that you would never know unless you're reading this, or trying to get to know me. I've known that I'm someone you need, and that you wouldn't know it until you get close to me or lose me, but I'm learning more and more about WHY I am that person each and every day.

You've got to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love with what you've got and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret.

I want solidity. I want a bright future. I want to create that for myself. I want to be passionate about everything I do. I want to make mistakes and I want to learn from them.

However,

I don't ever want to feel this kind of heart break again.

 

I know it's only been a month... but this is so awful. I don't want to be with anyone but her. I miss her SO much. I know I just have to let go and do me... but man. I see her in everything, in everyone, in all that I do. I just want our life back We were so solid together, and it took 1 week for everything to fall apart. I wish I could pick up the pieces and put them back together. Maybe one day they'll all fall into place. I'll just keep telling myself that it's okay until I finally start to believe it.